Isabela's Letter
by shadowtune
Summary: After returning with the Quanri relic, Isabela left Kirkwall for unspecified amount of time. Before she left, she wrote a letter explaining her reasons.


Dear Hawke,

That's the right greeting in formal letter, right? I'm not exactly experienced in this type of writing. Or any writing really, Varric would be the better choice for an expert on fancy wording. I always just say whatever comes to mind, which has thrown me out so many different opus and brothels, let me tell you.

Except that isn't exactly true. I mean the whole being forcibly thrown out part is but not the part where I always tell people what I think. That stile but not entirely. The thing is, you're just different.

Maker damn you, Hawke. This is far harder than I thought it would ever be. I want you to know this is all your bloody fault. Without you I'd be half-way back to wherever I please, enjoying the feel of the sea and wind without a care in the world. The oh-so-important Qunari relic would be off my hands and the city of Kirkwall far behind me.

But that plan is shattered all because of you. You just being you. A clever tongue bundled together with noble intentions. People like that aren't supposed to exist. Only in tales are they supposed to roam saving the world from evil. Yet here you live.

Life's a bitch, isn't she? I spent all my days with little concern for the greater good. I still couldn't care less, really. Don't start protesting about the statement, Hawke, I know you're trying to but shut up and listen.

My life has been a waste yet I get almost everything I want. You are like some perfect being always fighting for the noble cause and always helping the lost little boys and girls of the world. Yet you cannot seem to catch a break. Without any attempt to mince words, your life sucks.

I want you to know one thing though. Somewhat good things from a certain point of view have come from your efforts. You've rubbed off me.

The only reason I returned was because of you. Not in order to repent. Not for the Quanari and some skewed sense of morality. Not because I wanted to since every bone still screams that I should have taken my chances and run. Not for the sex though that certainly was a great perk of our relationship. I came back all due to you.

Most specifically, I didn't want to run away then every day think of how disappointed your face would become. I don't want there to be sadness in your eyes, they're far too pretty for that type of emotion. Better that I see them while they sparkle and laugh.

I just, damn it all, didn't want to fail you.

I care about… well shit. I don't know what I care about. If I said that I love you, i would seem to childishly fairy tale like. It's not. The world is not. I am no fairy tale character. I don't deserve a happy ending with you.

I'm going to leave Kirkwall. By the time you find this posted to you writing table, it'll be far to late to stop me. I expect that your reading this while I'm on a boat traveling to wherever. Just like I planned right? Isn't it funny how it always goes back to the same beginning? I wanted to run away and now I am like I wanted in the first place. Told you I almost always get what I wanted.

But I will 'get' you. Had I come and spoken to you in person, I doubt that I'd still have the strength to leave. Somehow one glance from you is all it takes to tighten my lungs to the point I cannot breathe. Your so vibrant and full of life but at the same time kind.

You've never tried to master me like some prize bitch to be hoisted around as a trophy. You've never looked down upon me, always listening to what I had to say. _You've_ never underestimated me and acted like all I amounted to was a prostitute with quick, strong hands. Strangest of all you wanted more than sex. You tried to pry away all the embellishments about me. Do you even realize that? I wonder, perhaps you did that unconsciously.

The problem is I'm not a giving girl. All I know is how to take but I cannot take any more from you.

I don't know if I'll be back. No doubt the sea will drag me back willing or no so perhaps by then I will better understand you. But as the cards are laid out now, I cannot deal.

When I see you again, you and I can be reacquainted but until then goodbye. I don't know if this entire written speech has been an acceptable enough reason for you but it's the best I can manage. While I say what I think, I'm unaccustomed to barring my soul to another.

This truth laid before you is naked and confused, I know. But I've recently found tha truth is never simple or clear. The meaning is always muddled under thousands of other things that cannot be cleared away.

~Until I can no longer stay away, Isabela.

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_This letter has been found in a fire's pit as though once written the author could not bear to keep it. The words are burned away to the point of no recognition. The intended recipient of the letter never received it_

* * *

This is not my proudest piece of fanfiction ever but hopefully Y'all like it. I found Isabela hard to write emotionally.

If you're reading this line it means you've finished with the story and you are going to click on the button below which says 'Review this Chapter'. Please be a considerate friend and tell me what you think, I really am interested.


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